How Haunted Is This House?

It starts small, and almost as soon as summer is over.

The fall decorations begin to pop up.

A pumpkin set out on a doorstep. A skeleton decal on a front window. A makeshift ghost hung from a mailbox. By the time October rolls around, it’s spread rapidly, and by mid-month, the whole neighborhood is bedecked in autumnal splendor, from the crafty to the clever to the cursed.

There are many approaches to decorating a house for the season, and those approaches can tell you a lot about the house.

Who lives there.

What they value.

What they want to say to the world.

… how haunted they are.

That’s right, I said haunted.

I’ve conducted extensive field research on this subject (read: I have walked the dogs around the neighborhood several times), and after intense study, I’ve been able to identify six major archetypes of October House—and quantify just how haunted each of those houses are.

Let’s review.

Subtle Harvest Splendor

This house is always perfectly put-together, and of course October is no exception.

No one saw the decorations being put up; they simply appeared all at once, a complete work of Instagram-worthy autumnal chic conjured from thin air. Artful piles of pristine pumpkins in a variety of colors. A stylish fall wreath that complements the statement-color front door. Crisp cornstalks lining the balustrade of the porch.

There’s no hint of Halloween’s darker side here, nary a ghost, ghoul or goblin to be seen. They’re not against Halloween, per se, but it just doesn’t fit the color scheme, all those purples and greens and blacks. They’re seeking timeless, and the occult is just tacky.

How Haunted Is This House?

The house—and its occupants—project a year-round image of relentless cheer, but there’s just a whiff of underlying menace. Who could possibly maintain this level of polish at all times? Maybe they really do just have their act together in an enviable way, but there is a small-but-real chance that they are actually undercover assassins, Russian spies, or perhaps even some kind of Terminators.

3.4/10, what’s their deal, anyways

Fun Grandparent Halloween

On precisely October 1st—no sooner, no later—that nice, recently-retired couple who always waves to you while they’re having their evening glass of wine on the porch flips a switch, and turns their always-tidy yard into a happy Halloween tableau appropriate for all ages.

The perfectly-spaced lighting fixtures on their well-manicured front path are swapped out for tiny glowing pumpkins. Their well-tended trees are perfectly wrapped in fake spiderwebs, and a pair of striped-stocking-clad legs stick upright from the mulch, whimsically implying the presence of a witch who has crashed head-first into their Neighborhood Yard of the Month landscaping.

It’s all Very Halloween, and yet unlikely to frighten even the smallest child.

How Haunted Is This House?

Not at all. They have incredible retiree vibes. They give out full-size candy bars on Halloween, and will slyly offer the adults a Solo cup of punch with a wink and a nod. There is nothing to fear here, unless you step on their lawn.

Oh god, did you step on their lawn?

1.6/10, seriously, just stay off the lawn

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Army of the Inflatables

If Home Depot sells it, they’ve got it, and it’s plugged into a tangle of extension cords and surge protectors sucking hundreds of dollars in added electric bills into various blowers. There’s a Jack Skellington and a giant spider, a ghost and a spooky tree, a nine-foot Oogie Boogie and the Sanderson Sisters stirring a cauldron.

They don’t have the 12-foot skeleton, but that’s only because the HOA passed an ordinance limiting “outdoor seasonal displays” to a 10-foot maximum height; they not-so-quietly suspect that this ordinance was specifically targeted at them.

(They’re considering buying the skeleton anyways and burying it 26 inches in the lawn to show that know-it-all HOA president, but they’re facing resistance to this idea from within their marriage.)

How Haunted Is This House?

They’re working through something, a problem they don’t quite have the language to explain. It’s like they’re trying to buy a train ticket in a foreign country; they’re getting progressively louder, but not any more well-understood.

In the absence of an emotional breakthrough, though, there are always more inflatables to buy.

They’ve got their eye on a blow-up haunted house that you can actually walk through.

Would really tie the yard together.

5.2/10, is there anything you want to talk about

Tried To Balance Political Yard Signs With Halloween, Failed

You can see how they got there, but you wish they hadn’t. It’s not just Halloween season right now, it’s also election season, and this house couldn’t resist the temptation to express their political beliefs through Halloween decorations.

Perhaps it’s fake gravestones that read “I did my own research” or “Thanks, Brandon!”, or maybe it’s straw-stuffed effigies of politicians they oppose.

Whatever it is, they’re killing the vibe.

How Haunted Is This House?

There might not be actual ghosts here, but it’s best to give it a wide berth nonetheless, just in case they want to talk.

7.2/10, while you’re out in the yard have you considered touching grass

[spooky voice] WELCOME TO THE HELL HOUSE

If you’re looking for store-bought Halloween decorations, they don’t have any.

What they do have are a very particular set of skills, skills that have been used to convert the front of this unassuming suburban ranch home into a full-fledged, bespoke horror house. There are lifelike animatronics and grisly scenes of gore, computer-controlled lights and smoke machines, and an ominous soundtrack synchronized to all of it leaking out of well-concealed speakers.

You’ve seen actual movies in theaters that have spent less on special effects than this house, which neighborhood children are terrified of and neighborhood dogs growl at as they walk past all month long.

How Haunted Is This House?

Surprisingly, not haunted at all. The residents of this house have a hobby that they passionately pursue, one that brings them a great deal of personal satisfaction and inner peace. In nurturing this hobby, they have found a tight-knit community of like-minded “haunters” who have proven to be a tremendous source of emotional support and really helped them get through a few rough patches in their life. They sleep well at night, the only horrors in their dreams the ones that they’ll construct next year.

0.0/10, we should all be so grounded

One Fake Spiderweb on a Bush

Is that it?

Did… did they start to do more, and then get interrupted?

Or was this their entire plan?

Did they go to the store and buy exactly one (1) Halloween decoration and spend thirty seconds stretching it awkwardly across half of a single boxwood shrub on purpose?

It can’t be that simple.

Perhaps they started hanging Halloween decorations and were attacked.

That’s it. They must’ve been attacked by some kind of werewolf or zombie. Ooh, or a vampire! Maybe a killer clown got them, and then that clown left this half-finished spiderweb job up as a warning to the rest of the neighborhood before disappearing down the storm drain to await their next victim.

The possibilities are endless, and frankly, they’re all terrifying.

How Haunted Is This House?

Man, you don’t know what’s going on there. That place is haunted as hell.

9.2/10, a minimalist horror masterpiece

—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)

How haunted is your house? Think of any I missed?

Sound off!