Meet the Man Behind the Gifts

There’s only one week left until Christmas, and hopefully you’re well on your way to having your shopping list completed.

At some point this month, you may have found yourself consulting online gift guides for those difficult-to-buy-for people in your life, hoping to come across the perfect idea you hadn’t previously considered. Chances are, though, you found these guides lacking—I mean, who are these things actually for? Invariably, these gift guides are stuffed with weird, stereotype-reinforcing ideas that seem more caricature than carefully-selected.

This is never more true than when reviewing lists of Gifts For Him—that is, your various Dads, Husbands, Uncles, Nephews and Brothers-In-Law.

Do the men in your life really want more whiskey stones? Are they pining for a beer-scented candle? Is their existence truly little more than an agglomeration of pocket knives, barbecue tools and leather-bound goods?

Or is there something else at play here?

Haunted by this question—and by the vague smell of smoked wood chips—I set out to research what was really driving the hyper-masculine suggestions in these holiday gift guides. Where were these ideas coming from?

Who were they really for?

It tooks months of research. Countless phone calls and FOIA requests. A few minor break-ins. Finally, though, I was able to identify one single man that all of these gift-guides were built around.

That is, I found Him.

At first, he was hesitant to speak on the record, but I was able to bribe him with the promise of a new hip flask if he’d sit for an interview.

This interview has been edited for length, clarity, and humor.

Thank you for agreeing to speak with me. Now, first things first—your name is actually “Him”?

That’s right.

What an unusual name.

It’s short for Himothy. Himothy Husbandman.

That can’t be true.

It’s Dutch.

I see. Now, I’ve come to understand that you, personally, are somehow the inspiration for an internet filled with cartoonishly-masculine gift guides?

That’s right. It wasn’t my intention for this to happen, of course. Heck, I’m a victim of this as much as anyone. It’s just a matter of The Algorithms running wild.

I don’t follow.

It started about twenty years ago, right when online shopping was really hitting the mainstream. I was publishing a little WordPress blog at the time, Himothy’s Highway. It was mostly stream-of-consciousness observations—things I’d eaten for lunch, thoughts on the latest episode of LOST or 24, that sort of thing. It wasn’t like these slick, professional blogs you see these days.

[looking directly at camera] Yes, blogs are much better these days.

Anyways, my friends and family had all been pestering me for gift ideas, and I was still paying per text message at the time, so I decided I’d just make things easy on everyone. I put together a list of things that I like, and published it under the heading “Gifts for Him”.

Which, as we’ve just come to understand, is your name.

That’s right. I didn’t think much of it—it’s not like anyone other than my friends and family was reading my blog—but a few years later, I started to notice the things I’d put on my list showing up… well, everywhere. It was surreal.

It’s important for readers to understand that you have very particular tastes in gifts.

I don’t know about that. I’d describe myself as a man of simple tastes. I enjoy whiskey. Woodcrafts. Leather, knives, gadgets. Books about war. Pictures of fish. Anything bulletproof or magnetic. Smoking things that aren’t normally smoked.

You know, normal guy things.

They’re not necessarily normal, you know. Despite what the internet might suggest today, men’s tastes aren’t monolithic. They have as broad a range of interests as women do, and there are plenty of men out there who don’t want a “smart pocketknife” for Christmas.

[offended] Why wouldn’t they? It tracks your whittling stats!

Somehow, though, your preferences were aggregated across the internet, and repeated so often that they became self-supporting. That is, Gifts For Him—one specific man, Himothy Husbandman—became widely accepted as the things you should give to any him in your life.

I suppose that makes me an “influencer”.

Of course, your first list was assembled many years ago. I assume your tastes have a evolved somewhat since then.

That’s true. On the first list, I expressed my interest in whiskey stones. You know, those little pieces of soapstone that you put in the freezer and use in lieu of ice cubes in your glass of whiskey.

The idea being that they will chill your whiskey like ice without the dilution, yes.

Right. Those were really important to me, because I’m allergic to ice.

That is not a thing.

No, it’s true. I once passed out in a snowbank and woke up with a terrible rash.

That was frostbite.

Pretty sure it was an allergic reaction. Anyways, I’ve only chilled my whiskey with objects since then. But the stones, well—they’ve become too familiar, too passe. They don’t have style, you know? Drinking whiskey is a big part of my personality, and I can’t look just like every other guy whose personality is also whiskey-based.

That’s why I’m asking for whiskey bullets this year.

I really hope I’m mistaken in my assumption of what that might be.

They’re bullets that you put in the freezer and then use like whiskey stones.

Unfortunately I understood perfectly.

They use real, live rounds, too. It wouldn’t normally be approved by the FDA, but they found a loophole—it turns out you can’t regulate anything related to guns in this country.

What else are you asking for?

Okay, so you know how everything soap smells like is lame?

I refuse to entertain this line of reasoning.

Flowers, cucumbers, melons, Irish waterfalls—they’re just not me, you know? I have an image to project, and that’s of a man who enjoys a nice glass of whiskey.

A glass of whiskey and bullets.

Correct. But I can’t start my car without blowing into that little tube thing first, so it’s not always convenient to have a glass of whiskey.

Do you have a court-ordered breathalyzer on your car?

I can’t go in to work smelling like lavender or girls, and that’s why I’m a big fan of Pappy Van Bubbles soap. It’s soap that smells like bourbon, and it’s got tiny little bits of actual bourbon barrels in it for that extra-strong cleaning performace.

Wouldn’t you get splinters from that?

All over my body. It’s agonizing, but that’s a small price to pay for that rickhouse-fresh scent.

Do you have any gift wishes that aren’t whiskey-related?

I could use a new hatchet.

What for?

I don’t understand the question. There’s one I’m really interested in, the handles are carved straight from old—

Please don’t say whiskey barrels.

[long, uncomfortable silence] The blade is made out of old bullets.

That sounds like it would be terrible for chopping.

It’s not for chopping.

You mentioned books before. What kind of books do you read?

Oh, I’m interested in all sorts of topics. The Western Front of World War II. Football. The Eastern Front of World War II. Horses. The Pacific Theater of World War II. Horses that played football in World War II.

I would also read that last one, to be clear.

There’s a great product that I use on my books, it’s called “Four Fifty One”—it’s a scented spray that makes your books smell like gunpowder. Really gives you that authentic World War II feeling.

That’s the worst idea I’ve ever head.

It’s great in whiskey, too.

There’s a good chance you’re going to die soon. I just feel like you should know that.

I’ve also really gotten into cooking the last few years.

Oh? That’s promising.

With the right tools, I’ve found you can smoke pretty much anything. Meat, of course, but also cheeses, fish, cocktails, hot sauce, salt, blood pressure medications, your hatchet…

I don’t often advocate this, but I think you should stick to DoorDash. I will give you a gift card to DoorDash right now if you just promise me that you won’t put your whiskey bullets in your smoker.

But I can’t always cook, y’know? I’m a busy guy, and I spent a lot of time camping out for allocated whiskey releases. That’s why I’ve really gotten into meal kits.

Like HelloFresh, or—

For a while there, I was having Army-surplus meals-ready-to-eat (MREs) delivered. I loved the convenience, and it’s important for me to feel like I’m in the military at all times, even though I never served. I’ve gotta be honest with you, though—as much as I enjoyed those aspects of MREs, the flavors just weren’t bold enough for me.

Sure, you can imagine you’re operating deep behind enemy lines when you’re eating them, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept bland food, y’know?

Hannah Arendt would’ve been fascinated by you.

Anyways, a guy I met in a bourbon line recently turned me onto this new brand. They’re long-lasting, shelf-stable, high-calorie meals just like MREs, but they’ve got the good stuff that guys like you and me—

I am not like you.

—need. There’s Nashville Hot Chicken, Triple Smashburger, Three-Foot Chili Dog… heck, they even have one that’s brisket straight from Franklin Barbecue, freeze-dried and ready to consume wherever you’re operating. Each one comes with a little bottle of hot sauce, a tiny pellet smoker, and a package of freeze-dried bourbon.

What’s this brand called?

Meals Ready to Smash! They’re the best, and perfect for any guy—

Wait… so, is that acronym “MRS”, then?

No, I—hold on, you see, its—oh no. Oh—[he explodes, and the room fills with the aroma of wood smoke and bourbon]

Well, that was bound to happen sooner or later. He’d accidentally swallowed a half-dozen bullets while we were talking.

I do want to read that horse football book, though.

—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)