The Morning Dance

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published-Hey, bud. It's time to get up.
--I don't want to get up.
-I didn't either, but here we are. Let's go.
--Why do I have to go to school today?
-Because it's the law, and Mommy and Daddy have to go to work too.
--I want to stay home.
-There won't be anyone here. Besides, you love school.
--No I don't.
--Yes you do. C'mon, get up. I have to go wake your sister.
-Hey, sweetie. It's time to get up.
---Is today a school day?
-Yes. That's why I'm waking you up. What do you want for breakfast?
---A waffle.
-Great. What do you want on it?
---Butter on one side, jelly on the other.
-Butter on-- alright, sure. Whatever.
-Hey, bud, c'mon, I told you to get up.
--I'm getting up.
-Your sister wants a waffle for breakfast, do you want a waffle?
--Do we have Nutella?
-No, you ate it all. I'll get some more the next time I go to the store.
--I want Nutella.
-I cannot conjure Nutella from thin air. I tried. The consistency wasn't right.
--But I want it.
-How about peanut butter?
--Fine.
-Crunchy or creamy?
--Crunchy.
-Got it. Get dressed.
--It's superhero week at school.
-What does that entail?
--I'm supposed to wear a superhero shirt.
-Okay. Surely you have one.
--I don't have any superhero shirts!
-Hmm. Here's an Optimus Prime.
--He's not a superhero, he's a Transformer.
-He's a fictional good guy, I think that counts.
--I don't think that counts.
-I don't think anyone at school is going to challenge you on this.
--Can we go to the store and get a superhero shirt?
-We can look when we go for Nutella. Now get dressed.
--Fine.
-Clean underwear, too.
--FINE.
---I NEED HELP!
-What's going on?
---I can't get my pants on!
-It would probably help if you took your pajamas off first.
---Oh.
-Here, let me help.
---Thanks. Is my waffle ready?
-No, I haven't even gotten to the kitchen yet.
---I changed my mind, I want Nutella.
-I just explained to your brother that we don't have Nutella.
--HE SAID WE DON'T HAVE NUTELLA
-THANKS, BUD, I GOT THIS ONE. Still want butter and jelly?
---Butter on one side, j--
-Jelly on the other. You got it.
----Can you pick the kids up tonight?
-I have a meeting that runs until 4:30. I should be able to do it.
----Don't forget they have swimming tonight.
-I had forgotten that they have swimming tonight.
----It's on the calendar.
-I believe you, but I had not looked at the calendar.
----Did you remember it's Superhero Day for him?
-Yes, he's wearing his Transformers shirt.
--I DON'T KNOW IF TRANSFORMERS ARE SUPERHEROES.
-I think they are.
---I NEED HELP.
-Can you help her while I put the waffles in?
----I'm coming, honey.
--Daddy, do you want to know who the worst Pokémon is?
-I would love to hear that. Can you go back and put pants on?
--I think it's Cutiefly.
-I'm sure Cutiefly has some redeeming qualities.
--He only does 10 damage and he only has 30 power!
-Is that bad? That sounds bad.
--It's so bad!
-Wow. Anyways, pants.
--Can I have cereal for breakfast?
-Your waffle is already in the toaster.
--Can I have Nu--
---WE'RE OUT OF NUTELLA
--I'M TALKING TO DADDY
-She's right, though, we are out of Nutella. Pants.
---Daddy, can I wear a crown to school?
-You can wear it in the car.
---Daddy, who's your favorite Teenieping?
-Oh, they're all great.
---There's Heartsping or Dadaping or Gogoping or Chachaping or Lalaping or-
-Uh, Heartspring.
---Heartsping.
-Right. Them. They're my favorite.
---Me too. Can you put my hair in an updo?
-Talk to Mommy about that while I finish these waffles.
--Did you know that there's a black hole in the middle of the solar system?
-I think I knew that. Did you learn about that at school?
--Yeah. I'm worried about it.
-I don't think we need to worry about black holes right now.
--But it could suck up earth and destroy it!
-It'll be a long, long time before that happens.
--Like how long?
-Several billion years.
--So, like, when I'm your age?
-Exactly. Here's your waffle.
--Did you know someone at school said the "F" word the other day?
-Oh, they shouldn't do that.
---What's the "F" word?
--There's two "F" words, but one's worse than the other.
-Please don't say either one.
---Which one was it?
--It was the really bad one!
---What's the bad one?
--The one Daddy says sometimes!
---Oh that one's bad.
-Yeah, don't say that one. Hey, why'd you change t-shirts?
--Transformers aren't superheroes. They're robots.
-Okay but now you're wearing a t-shirt with a hot dog on it.
--I'm going to be Hot Dog Man. His superpower is hot dogs.
-Makes sense.
--Can I have a Band-Aid? My foot hurts.
-What's wrong with your foot?
--I jumped off the swingset and now my foot hurts.
---Janie fell off the swingset at school last week.
-That's unfortunate for Jamie.
--So can I have a Band-Aid?
-Band-Aids don't really help with bruises.
--But it hurts.
-I understand that, but unless there's a cut or a scrape, a Band-Aid won't do anything.
---Caroline pushed Janie off the swingset.
-That wasn't nice of her.
---She was mad at Janie for pushing her off earlier, but Janie didn't even push her off!
-Sounds like it was all a tragic misunderstanding.
---Caroline was crowding me in the top of the swingset and I didn't want her up there.
-Wait, did you push Janie off the swingset?
---Can I have another waffle?
-You've still got half of that waffle left.
--I NEED A BAND-AID.
-Fine. I'll get a Band-Aid.
---I want a Band-Aid too!
-I'll get you both Band-Aids.
--She doesn't need one!
-Neither do you, it doesn't matter.
--Do we have Star Wars Band-Aids?
-We have Peeps and Unicorns.
--Are there yellow ones?
-I can't really tell through the packaging. Maybe?
--I want a yellow one.
-This one might be yellow.
---I want purple!
-Here, just dig through the box. I need to finish getting ready myself.
----Did we run the dishwasher last night?
-I don't remember. Is the stuff wet?
----It's wet, but it doesn't look clean.
-Maybe we didn't run it.
---Daddy, I need a white t-shirt for school today.
-What?
---We have to bring a white t-shirt for art class today.
----Crap. I saw the email and I forgot. This stuff isn't clean.
-We need a new dishwasher.
---I need a white t-shirt!
-Go grab one out of my drawer.
---They're supposed to be kid-size, Daddy!
-Baggy clothing is in right now. I saw Justin Bieber wearing a huge suit at some thing.
---Who's Justin Bieber?
-He's the one who sings that song you like.
---The one with the "F" word in it?
-Yeah, that one.
----This stuff is definitely not clean.
-Buddy, finish your waffle. We need to leave in five minutes.
--I'm thinking about the black hole again.
-Please stop thinking about the black hole for the time being and finish your waffle.
---What's a black hole?
--It's a big thing that's going to destroy Earth when we're as old as Daddy.
-No more talk of the cosmos. We have to leave soon. Finish your waffles.
---Is 68721 a number?
-Yes.
---What number is it?
-Sixty eight thousand, seven hundred and twenty-one. Finish your waffles.
---I'm not hungry.
-You're going to be hungry in five minutes.
---No I won't.
-Fine. Just go get your shoes on.
---I don't know where my shoes are!
----They're in your closet.
--I changed my mind, I want to wear the Transformers shirt.
-Great. Finish your waffle and go change. We have to leave in two minutes.
--Can I finish it in the car?
-Fine.
---I WANT A WAFFLE IN THE CAR TOO.
-You said you weren't hungry!
---BUT I WANT A WAFFLE IN THE CAR.
-We don't have time to make another waffle. Get your shoes on!
---I CAN'T FIND MY SHOES
-LOOK IN YOUR CLOSET
---I'M IN MY CLOSET
-I'M COMING
--I CAN'T FIND MY TRANSFORMERS SHIRT
-YOU JUST TOOK IT OFF IT'S WHEREVER YOU LEFT IT
--I DON'T KNOW WHERE I LEFT IT
-Honey, your shoes are right here in your closet.
---Oh.
-Put them on, we have to go.
--I NEED HELP
-I'M COMING
--I CAN'T FIND MY SHIRT
-It's right here on the floor.
--Oh.
-Come on, get your stuff. Down the stairs, let's go!
---WAIT FOR ME
-We're waiting for you, come on!
---I'M COMING
-Everyone in. Get buckled in.
---I CAN'T WORK MY BUCKLE.
-Here.
---Thanks.
--Can we listen to our playlist?
-I'll put it on at the first stoplight.
---Daddy?
-What?
---I forgot my shoes.
-They probably have a pair you can borrow at school.

—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)