Tips and Tricks To Beat the Heat

Man, it’s a hot one.

[pauses]

[looks around]

[waits for sultry late-’90s guitar riff to start]

No? Nothing? Ah, well.

It’s been a scorching week across much of the country, with heat indices well over 100 degrees in many places. When the mercury’s that high, it’s tough to stay cool—but your ol’ pal Action Cookbook knows a thing or two about staying cool, y’know?

[crickets]

Right. Well, nevertheless. I’ve got some helpful tips and tricks for dealing with extreme heat. Let’s review!

1) Drink Lots of Water

Extreme heat can lead to dehydration, so more than anything else you do, it’s important to drink lots of water. Your body needs—

[my wife leaves the room]

Okay, ignore everything I just said. Drinking water is a scam. It’s supposed to cure everything. Have a headache? Drink water. Skin problems? Drink water. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Hey, you know where hippos live? In water. Not slimming them down!

It’s all a big conspiracy. I didn’t drink any water from 1989 to 2003, and I didn’t die. Now that I have kids, though, I have eighty-four expensive water bottles.

Follow the money.

2) Avoid Outdoor Activities

Okay, now here’s one I can actually get behind. Outdoor activities are overrated as it is, and you definitely don’t need to be doing them when it’s like this. Heck, this is a great time to say you were going to do something outdoors, then back out of it. It’ll make you sound prudent and health-focused!

Oh, I was going to go for a run, but I think I’ll just stay inside and drink water.

(You don’t actually have to drink the water. No one will see.)

Hey, speaking of—

3) Keep Your Curtains Closed

This prevents unnecessary solar heat gain in your house, but you know what it also prevents? People not minding their own danged business. Close ‘em up!

Of course, we’d all like to stay inside with the curtains drawn, but it’s not always practical. Should you actually need to leave the house, there’s still precautions you can take. Such as:

4) Commiserate With Strangers

Try out this move:

“Boy, it’s a hot one today, isn’t it?”

“Sure is.”

“Supposed to be even hotter tomorrow.”

It won’t make you any cooler, but it will annoy the other person, so at least there’ll be someone who has it worse than you.

5) Dress In Light, Breathable Clothing

Depending on your style and gender identity, this could be a number of things—sundresses are an obvious choice. For the male-presenting among us, though, there’s always seersucker suits, which have the added benefit of allowing you to act like a corrupt southern trial attorney in a mid-‘90s legal thriller called something like The McCreary Indictment or A Hell To Find. Have some fun with the accent!

Boy, it’s hott’r’n tarnation today, I do believe!

6) Carry Around a Damp Towel

You could lay this on your forehead or the back of your neck, which will help cool down your body temperature. More importantly, though, you can quickly roll it up and snap it at anyone who tries to commiserate with you about the weather.

Boy, it’s a—SNAP

Not today, pal. That’s my move.

7) Look Up The Temperature Somewhere Hotter

Can’t find anyone else to annoy? Seersucker driving them away? Never fear. There’s always someone worse off than you, and the weather app in your pocket can tell you all about it. Let’s check the temperature in Dubai right now, and—

aw man it’s hotter than Dubai here right now

8) Find a Pepsi Machine at a Dusty Roadside Gas Station

Roll up to that 1950s-looking gas station in your brand-new sports car. Man, it’s hot out here. Why are you in the desert right now? Is this Route 66? Why aren’t you on the interstate? There’s a Buc-ee’s there. Nevermind that now. You’re here, there’s some old-timey gas pumps, a couple of weird kids gawking at you from behind a fence, and there’s an inexplicably clean-and-new Pepsi machine.

Buy a Pepsi! Great, now—

Whoa, whoa, whoa—what are you doing?!?

I didn’t say to drink the Pepsi. For crying out loud, you can’t believe everything you see in ads! You’re not Cindy Crawford, and Pepsi doesn’t taste good. Just rub it on your forehead, and then GPS your way back to somewhere with a Coke machine.

C’mon.

9) Go To a Beer Store That Has One Of Those Walk-In Coolers and Stall By Pretending To Look For Made-Up Beers That They Don’t Have

You can spend hours in there. If they get suspicious and ask what you’re doing, just make up a beer. “Oh, do you guys have Sticky Pickle? No? What about Banjo Kazooie? Huh. Any of the Night Accountant? Nothing? Alright, I’ll keep looking.”

The biggest risk you run is that one of the beers you make up will be real, and now you’re paying $27 for a tallboy four-pack of beers that taste like Jolly Ranchers dissolved in brake fluid. Consider keeping a wet towel handy in case you need to make a hasty exit.

10) Just give in, and embrace the heat.

Look at this dog.

This guy is half Siberian Husky. He is covered in fur so thick it’s indistinguishable from the faux-fur throw blankets we keep on the couch in winter.

(Seriously. We often mistake him for the blankets, and vice versa.)

It was 95 degrees when this picture was taken, and he was happy as could be out there, just baking in the sun. Sometimes, you just can’t beat the heat—so you might as well embrace it.

Friends, it’s Friday again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

I might not be able to make anything cooler—really, not sure why you’d think “cool” was ever in my reach—but I can still make the best of a weekend.

Today, I’ve got a tasty make-ahead lunch, a complicated classic cocktail, some fresh pop-punk and more!

We’re setting this AC to the max.

The problem with lunch is that it happens every day

I am, by and large, a creature of habit—especially when it comes to lunch.

I work in an office, and I pack my lunch most days. To make this happen, I usually prep a week’s worth of lunches for my wife and I on Sunday afternoon; it’s the best way to stay on track nutritionally and avoid spending $20+ for lunch every day.

My usual go-to is a salad—arugula or spinach, cucumbers, shredded carrots, cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, chickpeas, feta or goat cheese, grilled chicken, and a balsamic vinaigrette1. It is very good, as workday lunches go, and when I have gone a week or two without it, I miss it. Conversely, though, when I’ve gone a week or two of having it, I get real sick of it. I have to mix it up.

A couple weeks ago, I took a stab at something new for our lunches—a Thai-inspired chicken salad that could fill in for a week.

It was pretty good, so I’m sharing it today.

Thai Chicken Salad

(Makes eight lunch-sized portions)

• 42 ounces cooked chicken (this is not an arbitrary number; it is six cans of Costco’s Kirkland Signature canned chicken, which is what I used)