A Modern-Day YouTuber Experiences Odysseus's Journey Home

What's up, everybody?

It's your boy Odysseus here, coming to you with another update as me and the TroyBoys make our way back home to Ithaca.

If you've been following our trip so far, it's been crazy–don't forget to go back and watch those videos, and like and subscribe while you're there. Me and the boys have been away from home for years, we totally cooked in the Trojan War. Got to do some really awesome builds along the way, too, be sure to check those out–

[Pop-up: WE PUT FORTY GUYS INTO A GIANT HORSE AND SNUCK INTO A FORTRESS, WATCH WHAT HAPPENS!]

After we left Troy, though, things got a little crazy, I'm not gonna lie.

So, we took a quick stop in Ismarus to check out the Cicones, and that was super awesome at first, we found all sorts of cool merch and stuff there. Things got a little weird and we ended up losing some of the guys, still really sad about that, but I know they're behind us wherever they are.

[taps chest, points to Underworld]

We ran into some absolutely wild weather as we fled, so now we've taken refuge in the land of the Lotus-Eaters. Everyone here's been so chill and so nice, they even offered us the fruit of the Lotus plant! It's a crazy good local delicacy I've been dying to check out, so let's dive right in and try some.

[takes a bite]

Oh man. That is so good. It kinda tastes like honey? I've never had anything like it. That is sick. I bet this would make a great limited-edition flavor of O-Rings. Don't forget to check those out, by the way, they're my line of all-natural protein gummies, and they're available in stores all across the Aegean.

[product packaging flashes aggressively on screen]

Wow. This fruit is so good, you guys.

I'm not even sure I want to go home anymore. We could just chill here and eat this fruit forever.

Alright guys, welcome back.

Alright, so if you watched our last update, we did end up leaving the land of the Lotus-Eaters, though it was really tough, everyone was so cool there and the vibe was awesome and the fruit was just so good. We ended up in the land of the Cyclopes, and we got to explore some sick caves there. Don't totally want to get into everything that happened, but it's definitely an experience we'll never forget.

Honestly, we've been having some trouble getting back home–it's almost like the gods are against it somehow–but we just linked up with Aeolus, this dude is the best. He hooked us up with a bag full of winds that's gonna help us get back to Ithaca in no time.

This bag is so cool, you guys. Look at this thing. That's awesome. I can't wait to open it and see what kind of rare winds we got.

Hey guys, we're back for another update.

Things have gotten pretty crazy, I'm not gonna lie. We got blown off course all the way to the land of the Laestrygonians, and those guys were not chill. Then we ended up linking up with Circe, this wild sorceress lady. We didn't get off to the greatest start–she actually turned a bunch of the guys into pigs–but once we talked things out she ended up super chill and gave us a lot of great advice. She even turned the guys back into humans!

Well, most of them.

[Pop-up: IF TYLER CAN STAY A PIG FOR ONE YEAR, WE'LL GIVE HIM A MILLION GOLD COINS]

Anyways, Circe told us we needed to talk to this dude Tiresias, he's gonna give us all the tips we need to made it home and avoid the wrath of Poseidon along the way. Apparently he lives in the Underworld, so we're just gonna head down there real quick. I'm so excited, dude, I've been hearing all about this place.

I bet some of the guys are already there!

Alright, you guys, we're back from the Underworld.

That was a really challenging experience, I'm not gonna lie. I ran into my Mom, the shade of our former crewman Elpenor–who I guess cannot find peace until he gets a proper burial, totally respect that for him–and also a whole bunch of people who died in some of our trampoline videos from back before the war?

Really tough stuff.

Anyway, Tiresias gave us some great advice. We had to get past these Siren ladies, which was wild, I used these crazy-good noise-cancelling headphones from our partner brand BZWAX, you can find the link on our site. Then we had to do this wicked speed-run between these monsters named Scylla and Charybdis, lost a couple more guys there. Thankfully, we've now made it safely to Thrinacia, where apparently all we've got to do is not eat Helios' sacred–

VOICE FROM OFF-CAMERA: uh dude we ate Helios's sacred cattle

SECOND VOICE FROM OFF-CAMERA: we also ate Tyler

Guys, that is not cool. We're gonna be in so much trouble.

Hey everybody, I know it's been a long time since my last update. Just want to catch you all up. So, apparently eating the cattle was a big no-no, and Zeus struck my ship with a thunderbolt, killing everyone but me.

Really blessed that I made it out, but missing my bros hard today.

Anyway, I've spent the last seven years imprisoned on Ogygia by the nymph Calypso. She said she could make me immortal, which was honestly really cool of her, but I just couldn't stay away from you guys forever. You're what it's all about.

The gods finally said she should let me go, really happy about that, and with some help from the Phaeacians I'm back home in Ithaca. We decided it'd be fun if I surprised Penelope–she loves surprises–so I'm dressing up as a beggar and sneaking in with a bunch of other suitors who are trying to win her hand.

This is gonna be so fun, you guys, it's gonna blow her mind when she sees it's me.

[whispered conference just off camera]

Okay, so apparently she's going to marry whoever can string my old bow and shoot it through a series of axe heads? You might remember me doing that in one of my older videos–

[Pop-up: CRAZIEST BOW TRICK SHOTS!!!]

It'd be super sick to pull that off again, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only man here strong enough to even string my bow. That's probably why she chose it. We try to keep things fresh on this channel, though, so instead, I'm gonna surprise her with an even better trick shot.

She's gonna love this, dude.

[Odysseus produces a stack of playing cards, and attempts to throw one through a spinning box fan while balancing on a basketball]

Okay, hold on. I almost had it.

Here we go.

Dude, this is so hard.

TELEMACHUS [squinting at the spectacle, confused]: Is... is that Dad?

PENELOPE: [head in hands] It's honestly been nice not having him around.

Almost got it. One more try.

OHH that was so close.

[Odysseus is slain by the suitors]

Friends, it's Friday again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

We've been on an arduous journey of our own, fighting through the workweek to make it back home to the weekend. We're finally here, though, and there's no crowd of suitors for us to slay–just a fully-loaded slate of ACBN-Certified Good Things for your weekend ahead.

Below the paywall break today, I've got a high-quality BBQ side, the classic cocktail you need to make part of your summer repertoire, some great music, and much more!

String up your bow. We're taking back the throne.

This could've been a topical recipe if this country did better in the World Cup but honestly as an American who am I to point fingers

For the Fourth of July, I kept things simple, inasmuch as I am capable of such a thing. We had friends over for a modest backyard fireworks show–

–and I smoked a bunch of ribs.

I won't bore you with the details of my rib-smoking, other than to say that having a container of Magic Dust in the freezer never fails. It was the side dish to this effort that was bound for the pages of this newsletter...