A Short List of Songs That Could Be Repurposed Into Holiday Cash Grabs in a Hypothetical Remake of 'Love Actually'

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and as December dawns my family has begun the annual journey through our favorite Christmas movies.

There's the can't-miss ones, of course: Home Alone, A Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, A Muppet Christmas Carol. There's cherished classics like White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. We'll mix in some Elf or The Santa Clause for variety. If the kids ever go to sleep, I might re-watch Bad Santa. Amidst all that quality Yuletide cinema, there's one square peg that has to slot in somewhere each year: Love, Actually.

I would not term the 2003 holiday rom-com a "guilty pleasure", because I do not believe in the idea of guilty pleasures. I feel neither regret nor shame for the garbage that I enjoy; I am as happy as a raccoon in a just-filled dumpster watching this delightful trainwreck of a movie.

Guilt? That's a you problem.

If you're not familiar, the film–that's right, I said film–consists of ten loosely-related story arcs featuring various Londoners in assorted states of love or lovelornliness, acted out by a deep cast of talented actors who are mostly better than than the script and also Andrew Lincoln. It has not aged terribly well, but that feels an unfair criticism, as 2003 was a deeply weird year. (To wit: this rom-com starts with a voice-over about 9/11).

Some of the plotlines are stupidly charming (Colin Frissell's going to America to get laid! Martin Freeman's a porno stand-in!), and some are deeply not (Alan Rickman is a worse villain here than he is in Die Hard!), but there's one I want to focus on specifically, and that's the only genuinely redeeming one: the story of Billy Mack.

Bill Nighy stoops to exactly the level the material merits in woozily portraying Mack, an aging, Ozzy-like rock star who's reluctantly agreed to a shameless holiday cash-grab in recording "Christmas is All Around", a half-hearted re-imagining of The Troggs' 1967 song "Love Is All Around":

Spurred by Mack's public disdain for the exercise, the song becomes an unlikely hit, and Mack realizes that he's had love all along, et cetera and so on.

This got me to thinking.

If I were to remake Love, Actually today, I would make some changes.

I would excise Laura Linney's plotline for being just kind of a bummer, and I would not try to portray a politician in a relationship with a younger staffer as charming, even if Hugh Grant is admittedly perfect for that role. I would keep the Billy Mack plotline, but update it to be an aging millennial rapper, because that is where the culture is now.

(I heard Flo-Rida in a Kroger commercial recently. I'm not wrong.)

With that in mind, here is a short list of millennial hip-hop songs that I think could be repurposed into holiday cash-grabs for Love Ac2ually:

1. 50 Cent - "Patiently Waiting"

This is actually a spiritual cousin to the original Love, Actually, in that it features an out-of-place verse about 9/11. Anyways, any kid can tell you that December is about anticipation, and I think 50 Cent would be willing to sell out.

I've been patiently waiting for some gifts to unwrap / If you're good all year long Santa will give you fun crap

We can fine-tune. You get the idea.

2. Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys - "Get Low"

3-6-9, Christmastime
Jingle Bell Rock it to me one more time
Get bows, get bows (get bows), get bows (get bows), get bows (get bows)
Deck the windows (deck the windows), deck the halls (deck the halls)
'Til the snow drips down these boughs (my boughs)
'Til all these reindeer crawl (Merry Christmas) / Fa la la la la (Merry Christmas)

I'm not gonna do the whole thing, but–

Stop / then jingle with it

I feel good about this one.

3. Shaggy - "Angel"

Clarence, you're my angel, you're my guardian angel
Kept me from jumping in that stream, baby
Clarence, you're my angel, you're my guardian angel
Showed me how Bedford Falls needs me, buddy

The music video for this would edit Shaggy into It's A Wonderful Life, just to be clear.

4. Chamillionaire - "Ridin'"

I'm confident in our ability to line this up if the others fall through. Chamillionaire did at least one wholly unnecessary remix of the song to begin with, and that was twenty years ago. He's not busier now.

They see me drivin' / I'm jolly
My sleigh's full and pulled on by eight tiny reindeer
Pulled on by eight tiny reindeer
Pulled on by eight tiny reindeer
Pulled on by eight tiny reindeer

5. Ying Yang Twins - "Wait (The Whisper Song)"

Okay listen it's gonna take longer than we have today to clean this one up sufficiently but the basic thrust is "wait 'til you see these gifts" and I really think it could work.

6. Bubba Sparxxx - "Ms. New Booty"

Please do not interpret the inclusion of this song as a criticism of Bubba Sparxxx; I am on the record as believing that his 2003 album Deliverance is genuinly one of the best albums of its decade, an underappreciated country-hip-hop masterpiece.

That said, his biggest song is about butts, and I would argue this makes him the most Billy Mack-like figure of all here. The song will be called "Red Nose Rudy", and if it gives me a chance to listen to Bubba Sparxxx with my kids in the car around the holidays? Then it's worth the journey.

Friends, it's Friday again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

If the preceding 900 words did not make it clear, I'm already settling into a comfortable state of December delirium. There are gifts to be bought, stockings to be stuffed, parties to attend and cookies to consume, but none of these things shall stay me from delivering on the promise of an ACBN Friday.

Today, I've got a delicious condiment, a cocktail challenge accepted, some new music, a look back at my books of the year, pets, and more!

Christmas is all around us, and so the feeling grows...

It's red and green, that's holiday appropriate

I find it rather difficult to think about new food ideas in the immediate aftermath of Thanksgiving; I looked forward to nothing more this week than getting back on my lunch routine of extremely boring salads. This is not an uncommon feeling, I'm sure, but it's slightly problematic when you've carved out a niche as a pseudo-food-blogger.

Nevertheless!

I had one carryover from my Thanksgiving efforts that was good enough to share. In preparing for the holiday feast, I inadvertantly wildly overpurchased fresh herbs. Not wanting to throw them out–and recognizing that the meat-and-carb-heavy meal always benefits from a little acid and heat–I decided to whip up a quick chimichurri. I had a jar of Calabrian chili peppers on hand, and I love the bright, fruity heat they bring, so I made them the key spice element in it.

Calabrian Chili Chimichurri

(makes about 1-1/2 cups)