An Interview With a Man Who Has Too Many Beverages on His Desk

PLUS: More seasonal food, a super-simple cocktail, great music, pets and more! It's Friday at the ACBN.

Whew. I sure am glad it's Friday. It's been a long work week, but I've just got a few more emails to send, and then I can downshift and coast into the weekend.

Thank you for speaking with me today.

... who said that?

I did.

I don't see anybody. What's going on?

I'm here to conduct a Serious Magazine Interview with you.

You're a reporter?

Yes. A serious one.

I can't even see you, how can I know that?

Because everything I'm saying is showing up in bold text.

Huh, would you look at that, it is.

It lends gravitas.

It does, I'll give you that–but I didn't agree to any sort of interview today, especially not a Serious Magazine one. Besides, I've read this kind of thing before. They're usually reserved for politicians or prominent figures, people who owe an explanation of their actions to the public. I'm neither of those things, and I don't have any skeletons in my closet. I have nothing to hide.

Is that so?

Okay, fine. Last week I was at the grocery store, and I was ringing up lemons at the self-checkout, and the bar code on the little sticker didn't scan, so I had to search the item by name, and when I searched "lemons", the first thing that came up was the regular lemons, but I had grabbed organic lemons because they were all out of the non-organic ones. I didn't think I should have to scroll to the next page when I'm already being forced to use these crappy self-check machines since there's only one cashier working and they've got a long line because someone's trying to, so I just rang them up as normal ones.

Is that what this is about? Did the grocery store send you?

I'm not here to talk about lemons.

Oh. Good. Because, uh, none of what I just said happened. I was just kidding.

I'd like to discuss the matter of the beverages currently on your desk.

I–I don't want to talk about that.

There are quite a few.

It's a normal amount.

We can review each individually, if you'd prefer.

I don't think that's–

First, the coffee.

There's nothing wrong with–

Or, should I say coffees.

... I can explain.

Just to the left of your keyboard, there is an insulated travel mug containing coffee that you brewed at home this morning.

Nothing scandalous about that.

However, to the right-hand side of your desk is a to-go cup from the coffee shop around the corner from your office. Handwriting on the cup suggests that it is an oat-milk latte.

The handwriting also suggests that my name is "Scomb". I don't you can take that as evidence of anything.

Now, many people consume more than one cup of coffee in a day, I will grant you that. Still, condensation visible through the clear lid of your travel mug suggests that you had not come close to finishing the coffee you brought from home prior to your purchase of a second, fancier coffee. Can you speak to that?

I... I think it's important to support local businesses.

Just not if they're selling lemons.

That was off the record.

No it wasn't.

Dang.

Moving on–next to the insulated travel mug, I see you have a 40-ounce Stanley "Quencher" cup.

That's full of water–you can't fault me for that. Hydration is super important, especially during these balmy summer months.

Would you be willing to show how much of that you have actually consumed today?

... no.

Next, the Diet Coke.

I don't have to explain myself to you. You're just a disembodied voice!

Oh, wait–is this like a Field of Dreams thing? Are you going to get me to plow under my crops to deal with unresolved family trauma? Am I going to have to kidnap a reclusive novelist?

You don't have any crops.

I have several failing tomato plants. Surprised you didn't know that.

One could defend the coffee(s) and water as addressing separate and reasonable physical needs–that is, caffeination and hydration. A Diet Coke, however, seems as though it would be rendered entirely superfluous by the presence of the formers. Still, shortly after 11:00am, you availed yourself of one from the refrigerator.

[quietly] The coffees were too hot, but the water wasn't caffeinated.

Mm-hmm. Are you aware of the persistent internet meme that suggests Diet Coke drinkers are fundamentally broken people?

[barely audible] I am.

I will note in passing that there is a can of Sugar-Free Red Bull visible in the mesh side-pouch of your backpack, but as it is as yet unopened, I don't think we need to examine that further.

[meekly] That's for later.

Because you don't have enough beverages now?

[on the verge of tears] That's right.

Before we go, though, I believe that many people–myself included–would like an explanation of the open can of "Blueberry-Pomegranate Kombucha" that you have attempted to conceal behind your largely un-consumed water.

Okay, that one I can explain.

You see, I grabbed lunch at the fancy farm-to-table bowl place today. They have this really good achiote chicken that they put with rice and veggies and stuff. It's all organic and local, so you can feel good about what you're eating. That's hard these days, you know, with cyclospora and everything, and anyways, you're eating something healthy like that, they've got these great roasted Brussels sprouts, and a Diet Coke just doesn't go with that, you know?

So, I looked at the beverages they had in the case there, and they're all stuff like this, and I thought, "hey, I wonder if I could be a kombucha person?".

And are you a kombucha person?

No. It's gross.

Hard to disagree with that.

Tastes like salad dressing that went bad.

One more question.

Yes?

Didn't you pack a lunch today?

This interview is over.

diet coke can on white table — Photo by Aron L / Unsplash

The heat and humidity of August has been wearing on me lately, and so I'm getting back to basics today. That includes a beloved family recipe that's perfectly in season, a cocktail that doesn't require you to buy any new bottles, some great new music, a whole bevy of Very Good Pets, and more!