Here Are Some Animals I Think It Would Be Cool To Be, Situationally Speaking

It's not an uncommon thing to hear folks speculate about kinds of animal they might like to be, were reincarnation to animal form to be a thing that was in play for them. "When I come back, I want to come back as a dog," they'll say, a note of loving jealously tinging their voice as they observe family dog resting on the couch while they head out the door to earn human money at a job.

It's an understandable impulse! Many animals seem like they've got things figured out. Of course, these things are situational: what if I wish to come back as a dog, but then I come back as like, an airport security dog? I don't want to do that: that's a dog with a job. I already have a job as a human. That's why I limit my wishes to specific, narrow windows.

With that said, here is an incomplete but well-considered list of Animals I Think It Would Be Cool To Be:

A Dog With Its Head Sticking Out of a Car Window

Not all dogs are smart, as the New York Times is happy to remind you. Still, even the most intellectually-lightweight canine remains quite capable of pattern recognition. I am a middle-aged man who cares about my digestive health, and one of the last things I do before heading to bed last night is to mix up a glass of fiber supplement in water. Nearly every time that I do this, my dog Olaf–a very good boy who has never been accused of genius–gets up from the living room floor and puts himself to bed. With that point of evidence in hand, we can reasonably infer that even he is capable of sussing out the potential negative implications of a car trip. If he's getting in the family van, he likely knows full well that he is going to the vet, the groomer, or the pet hotel, none of which are desirable outcomes for him.

Does he let this ruin the ride for him? No.

He sticks his head out the window and experiences the pure joy of feeling his ears flap in the wind. Few animals in the history of the world have had the capability of traveling at 40mph, and far fewer have been able to without great exertion on their own part. Dogs understand how special this is, and they're going to live it up, destination be damned.

A Duck Who Has Just Been Given Some Bread

There are numerous possibilities I considered here for animals with non-animal food: seagulls that have stolen beachgoers' sandwiches, squirrels raiding birdfeeders, your various pizzas rat.

I will defer here to the duck with bread because it is the rare human food given quite purposefully to wild animals. Ducks must enjoy bread; heck, we all enjoy bread. Like dogs vis-a-vis cars, however, ducks do not have the capacity to produce or procure bread on their own. Instead, through their own sheer charm and the vagaries of human kindness, they identified another species that is willing to buy it for them and throw chunks of it at them near ponds.

Now, I will stop you here: yes, I know that bread is bad for ducks. I also know that strawberry shortcake ice cream bars are bad for me, and I ate one while writing this section. Moving on.

A Squirrel Who Has Found Themself on a Football Field

Look at him. He doesn't even know why we're cheering!

It is a failure of imagination to think that this squirrel does not know what they are doing. Why rob them of that agency? I choose to believe that they do know they're on a football field, and are fully aware of the delight they are causing in the gathered masses.

Think about this: squirrels are among the most mundane fauna in North American life. I barely notice them on a day-to-day basis, even though they're everywhere. This squirrel has run onto a football field–an action that would get you or I tackled and/or tased–and they are basking in the cheers of a full stadium.

Good for them.

A Cat Sitting in a Box

I don't know a lot about cats, but I know they love boxes. Honestly, it's been a while since I sat in a box myself, but I recall enjoying it as a child.

Maybe I'll buy a refrigerator this weekend.

A Drunken Moose Terrorizing a Small Town

"Moose" seems like a decent gig to begin with. You're frighteningly large and fast, and pretty majestic, all things considered. That said, it's kind of boring out there in the woods, so every once in a while you dip into a small town, get hammered on fermented apples falling off trees, and scare the crap out of all the humans in town.

Sounds like a blast, if we're being honest.

A Weird Guy's Snake

Okay, this one's a bit controversial, because I feel like we've all known a weird guy with a snake at some point.

(If you have a snake, I'm not necessarily calling you a weird guy. This is a all-squares-are-rectangles-but-not-all-rectangles-are-squares thing.)

Sure, he's strange and unpleasant to hang out with, but you're not a human, you're a snake. You do not feel human emotions. You feel things like "is my rock warm" and "have I been fed enough rats", and Weird Snake Guy is terrific at meeting these needs for you, as you are the main thing going on in his life. You don't have to listen to his weird theories. You just have to come out of the aquarium every once in a while and creep out a date of his.

Any Animal With Lore

Legend holds that if the swans that inhabit central Bruges are ever forced from the city, it will fall to ruin. As a result, there's a whole protected area of the canal-front just for them:

This is the animal-world equivalent of generational wealth. These particular swans did nothing to cause this legend; it was coined hundreds of years before they were born. But they're out there thriving, kept in fine fettle by superstitious humans.

Great gig.

Raccoons, Just In General

It's been a while since a wild animal domesticated itself. Horses, dogs, cats–those all happened tens of thousands of years ago. I feel like raccoons are next, though. They're doing all the right things. They're weird little guys. They're cute. They make good cartoon characters.

At this point, all they have to do is ask and we'll start letting them ride in cars.

Friends, it's Friday again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

I'm fully recovered from spring break travels and ready to deliver you the best weekend that I possibly can. Today, I'm bringing you a pair of culinary delights, an esoteric Francophone cocktail concoction, some terrific music, a charmingly-odd book, reader-submitted pets, and a whole lot more!

Roll down the windows. It's time to ride.

In which I force myself to use the good stuff right away

I wasn't going to go to Canada without bringing back some maple syrup, and I bought a small bottle of some seemingly-quite-nice stuff at a stall in Toronto's St. Lawrence Market.

I've realized that when I make such purchases, I often set them aside with no plan, only for them to languish in the pantry for far too long. I wasn't going to let that happen this time, and I was starved for a home-cooked meal after a week of travel. Thus, I immediately put that maple syrup into an improvised marinade for pork chops.

Maple-Glazed Pork Chops