How to Prepare for a Winter Storm

Hello, my friends! Happy Friday.

A major winter storm is bearing down on a significant swath of the central and eastern United States this weekend, and it's got many people concerned. What should we do? Is there someone we can contact about this?? Should we prepare a human sacrifice in order to placate the gods of winter???

I say: relax.

I enjoy a good human sacrifice as much as anyone, but we're not there yet. Besides, a winter storm like this can be a manageable experience with a little bit of advance preparation. I'm something of an expert on the subject, having successfully lived through dozens of winters before.

Here's some helpful hints.

Don't panic.

In fact, don't even acknowledge the possibility of the winter storm at first. Winter storms are like bullies–they're only picking on you to get a reaction out of you, and if you ignore them, they'll leave you alone. Also, they're more scared of you than you are of them.

Actually, that might be snakes. Still.

The best thing you can do when you first hear about a winter storm is to ignore it completely and hope it does away.

Ask questions.

Hmm. Ignoring it didn't work, huh? Yeah, it doesn't work with bullies either. You just say that to remind a kid that it's their fault they're being picked on. Anyway, the local weatherman is saying that we might get up to a foot of snow, huh? And you're just going to believe him, after that one time three and a half years ago that he said it was going to rain and then it didn't rain?

You should do your own research. I pulled up the weather maps myself, and it doesn't even look like we're getting snow. Looks like we're actually getting purple.

Project an air of calm.

Look at all those fools rushing to the grocery store to buy bread, eggs and milk.

Hey pal, whaddya makin'? Milk sandwiches?? Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh. No, yeah, French toast does sound good, now that you mention it.

Still, there's no need to rush to the grocery store over a little bit of purple.

Stock up on necessities.

Okay, I did a little more research, and it turns out that purple actually means "a whole lot of snow"?? I don't know why the weather guy didn't explain this to me personally, even though I didn't watch any of his televised forecasts and he has me blocked on social media for yelling at him after that rain thing. This is all his fault!

Now I'm at the grocery store and there's no French toast ingredients left. All I could get were Pop-Tarts, Velveeta and barbecue sauce. Also, they were out of shovels, but I think I can fashion one out of a broom and a foil turkey pan?

Leave your faucets running.

You know what snow is, right? It's just water. If you use up the water before the storm gets to you, it won't have any left to make snow.

[taps finger to temple] Always be a step ahead.

Avoid non-essential travel.

It's important that you keep the roads clear for emergency vehicles, snowplows, and my DoorDash driver. (I tried making "American Toast" with the Pop-Tarts, Velveeta and barbecue sauce, and it didn't work.)

Dress in layers.

Ha ha, look. I look like Joey! You know, that one time on Friends when he put on all of Chandler's clothing? Could I be wearing any more clothes? Great show.

But seriously–wearing multiple layers makes you look bigger, which may scare the storm off.

Be mindful of the health risks.

Every year, more than 100 Americans die while shoveling snow, usually from heart attacks. This is a well-known risk, and if you fake a heart attack while shoveling, maybe your smart-aleck neighbor Dave will come over with his snowblower and help you out.

(The turkey pan thing didn't work either.)

Drive carefully.

Sometimes, there's no avoiding going out in the snow. Maybe your DoorDash driver had an accident, and you don't have enough barbecue sauce for tomorrow's American toast. Maybe Dave realized you were faking it, and you need to buy an apology card. Heck, maybe you just need to buy more towels after the running sink overflowed.

I'm not here to judge; those things just as easily could've happened to me.

Whatever the reason, if you do find yourself out on the road, remember to drive in a zig-zag pattern so the snow can't follow you. Also, if you feel yourself starting to skid, steer into it.

Or away from it?

It's definitely one of the two.

Friends, it's Friday again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

The computer models all agree: we've got a 100% chance of weekend ahead of us, and I'm fully prepared.

Today, I've got:

• a cozy noodle dish!
• a spicy winter cocktail!
• another spy novel, some good tunes, great pets, and more!

The weather outside is frightful, but the Friday ACBN? It's delightful.

It's Bean a While

It's not a snow day without some food projects, right? I've got a few planned out for the possibly-long weekend ahead, and hopefully the results show up in future newsletters.