Places to Be With a Child Who Does Not Want to Be There, Ranked

When you become a parent, one of the first things that you will discover is that you will end up taking your children places. This is inevitable, as leaving them alone is generally frowned upon. They will be happy to go to some of those places, of course, and you will find in time that many of your experiences become richer and more enjoyable when seen through a child’s eyes. There is magic to be found all around us, and a happy child can foster wonder in even the most world-weary adult.

Those are not the experiences I am here to talk about today.

No, today I’m here to talk about the places they don’t want to be. There are any number of reasons why they might not want to be somewhere, reasons that often aren’t even clear to them. Maybe they’re hungry. Maybe they missed a nap. Maybe the vibes are just off. Whatever the reason, it’s an unavoidable reality that, from time to time, you will end up somewhere with a child who very much does not want to be there.

This is my ranking of some of those places, in increasing order of how unpleasant the experience will be for you, the person who took them there.

The School Bus Stop

Of course they don’t want to go to school. They are somewhere between six and eighteen years old, and thus are confident that they already know everything that there is to know about the world. Meanwhile, home has things like television, video games, and various toys, books and sports equipment that go unused in favor of television and video games.

Unfortunately for them—but fortunately for you—it is more or less the law that they have to go to school, and you don’t need to explain to them the nuances of when or how it might not be.

That’s school’s job, and besides, would you look at that! The bus is here, and you will not have to discuss this further this morning.

The Doctor’s Office

Their objections to being here are, if we’re being completely honest, far more understandable than their objections to going to school. We are not being honest, though, and will not tell them that we do not like going to the doctor either.

In fact, we’re too busy feeling virtuous for taking our kids to the doctor and getting them all the proper vaccinations and such. Besides, it’s not that bad—at their age, the doctor still thinks it’s a good thing if they’ve gained weight in the last year.

(My doctor hasn’t told me that in ages, and she’s certainly had opportunities.)

It’s going to be an unpleasant experience, of course—there might be some crying and/or screaming, and there’s probably going to be an insurance co-pay—but if they’re good, then maybe they can get a little treat afterwards.

(That means you can get a little treat afterwards.)

Clothes Shopping

Theoretically, I suppose, you could do this entirely online these days, but that’s risky. Different retailers have wildly different sizing, and there’s a good chance your kids will change sizes in the two days it takes clothing ordered online to arrive.

Instead, you are going to a store in the mall, and it will be an ordeal.

They will complain about jeans—jeans!—as though they’re difficult pants to wear, because they have been raised in an era of athleisure for all. You will grumble that their generation doesn’t even know what uncomfortable clothes feel like, but you will do it quietly. You don’t want anything to disturb the veneer of calm, thoughtful family life you are trying to project for the benefit of the older women who work at the department store, whose judgement you resent but whose approval you desperately crave.

A Baseball Game or Other Sporting Event

Schooling, medicine and clothing are necessities, and there’s some solace in knowing that you had no choice in enduring the ordeal that you just did. As we enter the elective phase of this ranking, though, there is no such comfort to be found.

You chose this—in fact, you thought it would be a good idea.

It was not a good idea, and now you have nine innings in which to convince them that baseball is entertaining, which it is not. (I love baseball, and it brings me no pleasure to report this.) Your patient explanations of the Infield Fly Rule and Wins Above Replacement will fall on deaf ears, as will the feeble attempt to explain that “you know, these games actually used to be slower.”

There is a saving grace here, of course, and that comes in the form of unhealthy food and/or expensive souvenirs, which you will get up at some point to procure and miss the only runs scored by your team all day.

The Zoo

This one wasn’t even your idea. They wanted to go to the zoo! They said that! It’s not like you—a full-grown adult—just got out of bed today and decided that you needed to spent two hundred dollars to go see some sleeping tigers in a bad-smelling park today.

That was their choice! And now they’re complaining about it!

Now that you have spent three hundred dollars, though, you’re hell-bent on everyone having a good time. (This will be achieved by spending another two hundred dollars, mostly on stuffed animals.)

An Art Museum

Kids need culture. You know this, deep in your heart. You have seen what kids can grow into without culture, and ironically, that’s adults who post on social media with pictures of Greek sculptures as their profile pictures. You know that bringing them to this art museum is going to set them on a path of wisdom and creativity and enlightened virtue. That is, if they’d just get up off the floor.

I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed to touch the paintings. That’s not my rule, that’s the museum’s rule!

Once again, this can be smoothed over with stuffed versions of zoo animals. I don’t really think the art museum should be allowed to sell those, but I see why they do.

A Live Cultural Performance

Okay, here’s the thing.

If a kid throws a tantrum in front of a painting, it’s not that big a deal. Goya has seen worse, and Van Gogh certainly gets it.

If they suddenly decide that they don’t want to be here in the middle of this musical, though, well, that’s something that they’re just going to have to keep to themselves until intermission. That is eight songs and two reprises from now, something you will explain through gritted teeth and an impressive effort in ventriloquism, throwing your voice in the hopes that no one realizes it’s your family ruining the show.

A Live “Cultural” Performance

Fine. You didn’t want to go to Hadestown and I shouldn’t have brought you. That one’s on me. But why are you complaining about Bluey Live?!

[looks up at the stage for a bit]

I mean, okay, I get why you’re complaining, but I assure you this is worse for me than it is for you.

The Beach

Listen. Some people like the beach. You might even like the beach. Whether or not I like the beach is irrelevant here. The beach is not a pleasant place to be with a child who has suddenly decided after ten to fourteen hours of driving that they do not want to be at the beach.

They will begin to point out all of the flaws of the beach—it is hot, there is sand, I got wet, I saw a fish—that are distinguishable from the assets of the beach only in the attitude of the beholder. There is no reasoning your way out of this, because there is no reasonable argument that can be made for the whole endeavor.

Your best move here is to suggest that they bury you in the sand, which will keep them busy while allowing you to lay perfectly still for a while.

Another Country

Picture, if you will, this situation, which is probably hypothetical.

You have spent months of planning and no small expense or effort. You have fought tooth and nail to carve out the time from busy work schedules, and you have struggled through flight delays and nearly a day of travel. It hasn’t been easy, but you have finally arrived on the other side of an ocean, in one of the world’s great cities.

It’s an immense privilege to be able to travel like this, and you know that—but it’s worth it. It’s worth it to be able to show your child(ren) the world, expose them to different languages and cultures and experiences, to feed them slightly different hot dogs. The world is a much bigger place than where you live; bigger than your neighborhood, your city, your state, your country.

At this moment—again, this is a hypothetical, maybe, I’m just spitballing here—your child may look out thoughtfully over the beautiful vista before them, then turn to you with wonder in their eyes and say—

“Dad, next year, can we go to the beach?”

“Sure, honey.”

[long pause]

“Maybe your grandparents can take you.”

—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)