Rejected Super Bowl Prop Bets

I have been vocal about my distaste for the central place that gambling has taken in American sports since its widespread legalization in the past decade.

I do not like that every broadcast of a game now begins with live-betting odds. I do not like how athletes–even at amateur and youth sports levels—are now routinely subject to vitriol from degenerate gamblers mad about their losses. I do not like that impressionable young people have a new and convenient tool for financial ruination in a country that already had plenty of well-worn pathways there.

But hey, it's Super Bowl week, right? Times are tough, the newsletter business is softening, and I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

The days leading up the NFL's championship game always have a ton of chatter about so-called "prop bets", the oddball wagers one can place on things like the opening coin toss, the length of the national anthem performance, the color of the Gatorade bath dumped on the winning coach, and so on. If I could get in on that market, I'd open a fresh revenue stream that I could reinvest in regional chili experiments and esoteric French liqueurs, thus ensuring the long-term future of The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

Apparently you're not allowed to just open your own online casino, though?

At least, that's what they told me while confiscating my computers in a pre-dawn raid this morning. (I am writing today's newsletter on a Samsung fridge.) Oh, well. They might have shut me down, but I had some really good ideas for prop bets, and while I'm out on bond, I might as well share them here.

One of the teams shows up in the wrong city (+20000)

This year's game is being held at Levi's Stadium. Despite being the home of the NFL's San Francisco 49ers, the stadium is actually in Santa Clara, nearly 50 miles to the south of San Francisco.

But, y'know, travel confusion exists.

What if the New England Patriots accidentally show up at Santa Clara, the rocky, uninhabited island off the coast of Chile? According to Wikipedia, "access by boat to the island is dangerous, especially in stormy weather, because the strong sea breaks on all sides."

That could really hamper their chances to win.

Due to a soundboard mix-up, the pregame ceremonies are capped not by a singing of "The Star-Spangled Banner", but rather a haunting rendition of the Radiohead song "The National Anthem" (+57000)

The announcers then spend most of the first quarter discussing how underappreciated an album Kid A really is.

The opening coin toss lands perfectly on its side, triggering a little-known rule wherein both teams kick off at once, and the game is played with two balls. (+3000)

It goes down as the greatest Super Bowl ever.

A player accidentally swallows the football, but it seems like he's okay and he's willing to keep playing after the short delay needed to find a second football (+500000)

I saw it happen once. Heck of a thing.

A dog runs onto the field, gets hold of the ball, and scores a touchdown. There is nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can't play football, but it's called back because of a holding penalty. (+400000)

The dog is later ejected for biting the referee.

Instead of multi-platinum Latin hip-hop artist Bad Bunny, the halftime show turns out to be Harvey, the six-foot-tall imaginary bunny from the 1950 Jimmy Stewart movie of the same name. (+100000)

He's not really bad so much as misunderstood.

The entire Cleveland Browns team shows up and tearfully insists that they be allowed to play and everyone feels bad enough for them that they agree to let them play one series. (+30000)

It ends in a three-and-out, and Browns are then quietly escorted out of the stadium with a promise to get ice cream on the way home.

One of the teams attempts the "Annexation of Puerto Rico" trick play from the 1994 film Little Giants. (+2500)

It doesn't work. That's a kids' movie. C'mon.

During the trophy ceremony it is revealed that the Vince Lombardi Trophy, awarded to the winning team, is actually cake. (+1,000,000)

This horrifies Super Bowl MVP Sam Darnold, who turns to complain to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. Goodell does not respond, because he is also cake. Darnold attempts to scream, but realizes he cannot, as he is also cake. It's all cake.

Friends, it's Friday again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

Between the big game and the Winter Olympics, there's a lot going on this weekend, but I've got just a little bit more for you.

This week, that includes:

• a hearty baked pasta!
• an Olympic medal stand of cocktails!
• a comfort-food book, some fun new music, pets, and more!

It's winning time.

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got those rings

This week's cooking effort is on-theme whether you're talking about the Super Bowl or the Olympics, because hey: they've both got rings, right?

The genesis of it was a bit simpler, though: I got a new food processor, and I wanted to chop a bunch of stuff in it. A Bolognese seemed a good vehicle for these efforts; I could sneak a bunch of chopped veggies in, my kids would be none the wiser, and it could go into a baked pasta. In honor of all this weekend's ring-bearing athletic competitions, I made anelletti al forno–a Sicilian dish that uses ring-shaped pasta in lieu of lasagna noodles.

(I ended up making way more Bolognese than I needed, so I froze half in order to simplify the making of a second batch later on; the quantities below reflect this.)

Now & Later Bolognese