Taking a Child to a Football Game: An Incomplete Diary

The following is a work of fiction. (Mostly.)

Alright, kiddo, it's game day! I'm really excited to bring you here today, you get to see your dad's favorite team play!

No, that's my other favorite team.

You're thinking of professional football. This is college football.

It's just a different thing.

Well, it's still the same sport, but the players are students. You know, like you. They've got homework and stuff on top of football.

No, they'll never play against the Eagles, but maybe some of the players will go on to the NFL. Anyways, here we are! My alma mater.

Huh? Oh, it means "place you went to school". It's Latin, I think. Gosh, I sure had some great times here. You know my friend Mike? The one whose sons you met last summer at that wedding? So, this one time, right over here, we saw this empty cop car, and–

You know what, never mind. The point is, college is a lot of fun. C'mon, let's get to our seats!

We can get snacks later. Let's find our seats first.

You had a Lunchable in the car, you're fine.

I promise we'll get snacks later. C'mon, it's right this way.

Hey, these are pretty great seats, right?

What, those? Those are luxury boxes.

We can't sit there because we don't have tickets to sit there. We have tickets to sit here. These are nice seats.

No, those cost a lot more money.

Well, I'd like to sit there, too, but I decided to have children instead of having money.

More than you realize. C'mon, it's time to sing the alma mater!

No, in this case it means "an old weird song about the place you went to school." There's a bunch of hand motions and stuff. It's kinda like "YMCA", but less fun.

We can get snacks at halftime, okay?

Hmm? Oh, we're playing the Demons today.

No, you can't root for the Demons.

Because they're the opposing team!

Yes, I agree it is a cooler mascot, but we're not rooting for them. We're rooting for our team. Besides, the origin of our mascot is actually pretty cool, too. So, in 1914–

No, you are not.

I'll get you snacks after the first quarter if you don't.

Sure, fine, ice cream too.

Hey, we won the coin toss! That means we get to pick whether to kick the ball to the other team, or have them kick it to us. Looks like we're having them kick it to us. Alright, come on, let's show 'em who's boss, fellas!

Hm. Not much of a return. That's okay. We're just going to—

Incomplete pass. That's fine, we've just got to run the—

Okay. Third down. C'mon, stand up! This is a big play, and—

Fourth down, here comes the punt unit. Now, remember, just because Daddy says a word doesn't mean you're allowed to say it. Right, especially not when Grandma and Grandpa are around. Just like we talked about after the lawnmower incident.

Yes, I'm sure our coach is a perfectly nice person, but I said what I said.

You know what, why don't we go and get some snacks now? We'll be back in time for the next offensive series. How about a hot dog? There's a short line for–

No, I don't see a pizza stand.

Well, I don't know where that person got their pizza. There's hot dogs and popcorn and pretzels here. You want a big soft pretzel? You like those.

Fine, we can go look for pizza. While we walk, I can tell you a little bit of history. The coolest thing about college football is all the traditions. We've been playing football for more than 130 years, and—

Ha ha. I'm only 43, okay, smart guy?

Anyways, there's all sorts of neat history here. For instance, did you know that this stadium is named after a player who died?

Okay, well, it's not really a fun fact, I guess, but it's true.

Huh. Don't see pizza on this side of the stadium either. Are you sure you don't just want a hot dog? I want to get back to our seats before—

Oh, they're probably cheering because we scored.

That's okay, we'll just complete a lap of the stadium and get back to our seats for the next series. Plenty of scoring left today, I bet!

Hmm. We've walked around the whole stadium and I still haven't seen any stand that sells pizza. Tell you what, let's just get a hot dog now, and I'll get you pizza later, okay?

Alright, great timing. We just got the ball back, and—

[sigh] Sure. I can take you to the restroom.

Yes, I know it smells bad in here. It's a stadium. You think this is bad, when I was a kid the stadiums just had these big troughs, and—

Yeah, it sounds like we scored again. Wash your hands, let's go. There's still a few minutes left in the half, maybe we can catch the next–

I'm not sure how we would've scored again that quickly, but I agree that's what it sounded like, yes.

Okay, whew. Back in our seats. And hey, look at that, we're up! Now, we've just got to hang in the second half, and–

Yeah, there's two halves. Four quarters.

About three hours, total. Maybe three and a half. Really just depends on how many TV timeouts we have.

Of course the game's on TV. Almost every game is.

Well, yeah, we could have watched on TV from home, but isn't it more fun to be here? The roar of the crowd, the sights, the sounds, the smells? The excitement of live sports, bonding with your dad over–

No, I didn't think it was supposed to rain today either.

Yeah, we can go.

Yes, we can stop for pizza on the way home.

Yes, I had a great time, too.

—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)