Newsletter

What Mascot Would Make the Best Roommate?

This, plus a top-notch fish sandwich, an earthy cocktail, a fun new book, music, pets and more! It's Friday at the ACBN.

Scott Hines

07 Mar 2025 — 16 min read

This is an anniversary of sorts for The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

Earlier this week, I published the 800th edition of the ACBN, a number that would’ve seemed truly unfathomable when I launched this newsletter back in June 2019. I promise won’t dwell too much on self-congratulation today—instead, I’ll just say that it’s neat that thousands of you have hung around for that long.

Thank you!

I’m opening it up today to show a broader audience everything that happens at the ACBN—and to encourage you to upgrade to a full subscription if you haven’t already. This place keeps going thanks to Readers Like You, and I’m eternally grateful for the support that so many of you have given over the years.

Upgrade to a full subscription today!

I thought about starting today’s milestone-ish newsletter with a reflection on some of my best pieces over the years, but I’ve done that plenty. I considered writing about how the weather this time of year always reminds me of the early days of the pandemic in 2020, when having this outlet was essential to my mental well-being, but I’d frankly rather not revisit that time today.

I kicked around a few other ideas, but then a tiny little voice in the back of my head hollered out some sage advice:

“WRITE SOMETHING SILLY!”

Hmm. The voice makes a good point. Who am I to ignore it? It’s my own head, after all. With that in mind, let’s kick today off by addressing a question that’s been rattling around in my skull:

What sports mascot would make the best or worst roommate?

This notion first came to mind a few nights ago, as I watched my beloved Cleveland Cavaliers come from behind to beat the Miami Heat and extend their record to an eye-popping 52-10 on the season. I have been a fan of the Cavs since the 1980s, but I have rarely stopped to think about what their name actually represents.

Per Wikipedia:

"Cavalier" is chiefly associated with the Royalist supporters of King Charles I in his struggle with Parliament in the English Civil War… Cavalier was not understood at the time as primarily a term describing a style of dress, but a whole political and social attitude. However, in modern times the word has become more particularly associated with the court fashions of the period, which included long flowing hair in ringlets, brightly coloured clothing with elaborate trimmings (i.e., lace collars and cuffs), and plumed hats.

I gotta be honest: that sounds like kind of a weird guy. Go Cavs and all, #LetEmKnow, but I’m not sure I want to hang out with that guy.

But who from the world of sports mascots would I want to spend time with?

I’m going to set a few ground rules for this question:

When I say roommate, I mean roommate, not pet. We’re not taking the easy way out here by picking any of the numerous Bulldogs or Huskies or other dog-type mascots out there. Those are pets. If you do want to pick a dog, you are expecting them to pay rent, empty the dishwasher, and be toilet-trained. I do not think they will do this. (Maybe a Border Collie, but to my knowledge there is no team named the Border Collies.)
I’m talking about the team’s name mascot, unless that name refers to something that is not plausibly a living creature. That is—if you want to pick the Indianapolis Colts, we’re talking about a colt, but if you want to pick the Colorado Rockies, then we’re talking about Dinger, their costumed triceratops mascot.
I don’t think you’d actually want to live with Gritty.

Here are my initial thoughts for best and worst mascot roommates.

First, the worst:

Diamondback (Arizona Diamondbacks, MLB) — that is a poisonous snake, and we have already established that you are not keeping it as a pet. No aquarium, just bites.
Pretty Much Any Large Cat (Wildcats, Panthers, Tigers, Lions, etc) — this knocks out like 20% of sports mascots. Unless you are a drug kingpin or arms dealer, I do not think you are equipped for having a tiger for a roommate. (If you are a drug kingpin or arms dealer, please message me about my ACBN Ultra-Premium Luxury Membership Tier.)
Raiders (Las Vegas Raiders, NFL, but also various Vikings, Warriors, Spartans, etc.) — They’re going to be uncouth and messy and will definitely not respect which leftovers in the fridge are whose. Also, their various crimes increase the likelihood of your door getting kicked in by law enforcement and/or armies from rival city-states. Not worth it.
Giants, Titans (NFL) — Too big. Not fair to split the rent equally.
Blue Jacket (Columbus Blue Jackets, NHL) — They’ve sorta steered away from the imagery in recent years, but the name and costumed mascot of Ohio’s only NHL team is, in fact, a seven-foot-tall yellowjacket who fought in the Civil War. The only good thing I can say about him is that he fought on the right side, but that’s not enough for me to want to live with a giant bee.

Next, the best:

Texan (Houston Texans, NFL) — This is literally just a person from Texas. The biggest risk we run here is strong opinions on barbecue. They might even bring back kolaches after a trip home.
Astro (Houston Astros, MLB) — Wow, two straight Houston ones? But I think it would be cool to have an astronaut roommate. They’d also be gone a lot, which is nice. You’d have the place to yourself while they’re in space.
Brewer (Milwaukee Brewers, MLB) — Again, just a person. They work at a microbrewery. This is actually a very common person to have as a roommate.
Mariner (Seattle Mariners, MLB) — Like the astronaut, they’d be gone for long stretches of time, but unlike the astronaut, they might come back with fresh fish. That’s a win-win.
Penguin (Pittsburgh Penguins, NHL) — Wait, you’re violating your own rule here. You said no pets. No. You are jumping to conclusions. I would like to have a penguin for a roommate. I know they will be messy and probably not contribute anything financially but I am willing to deal with that. I think would would have fun living together. Heck, I bet we’d both get along great with the Mariner.

What’s your thoughts?

[extremely Nelly “Country Grammar” voice] HOT FISH

I do not personally observe the dietary restrictions associated with Lent.

That said, I enjoy any seasonal food tradition, so if you’re eating fish on Friday? Well, heck, I’ll eat fish on Friday, too. I’ve been trying to cut down on my consumption of fried food lately, though, and I’ve really been trying to cut down on my creation of fried foods. Rather than having my own fish fry, I decided to find the midpoint between two of my best and most-celebrated recipes of all time—the excellent Salmon Burgers that I served in the ACBN x Lou Oyster Cult restaurant pop-up in 2022, and my signature spicy-pork-tenderloin sandwich, The Kentuckiana Hot Loin.

The secret of these salmon burgers is in their consistency—I hand-dice salmon filets into nicely-sized chunks, combine them a minimal amount of binders, and gently transfer them to a skillet using wax or parchment paper. This gives a burger that’s rich, meaty and full of flavor. While the original used a mix of fresh herbs, for this version I’m using a spicier blend, then brushing the griddled burgers with more of it, just like I would with the fiery Hot Loin.

It’s the Ultimate ACBN Crossover, and it results in a damned fine sandwich.

Spicy Salmon Burgers, or The Kentuckiana Hot Fish

1 pound salmon
1 tablespoon Spice Blend (recipe below)
finely chopped fresh chives
zest of 1-2 small limes
1 egg, beaten
1/4 cup bread crumbs, give or take
buns
Spicy Aioli (recipe below)
Spicy Slaw (recipe below)
butter

Spice Mix

(this will make more than you need, but it’s good on chicken or pork, too)

2 tablespoons cayenne pepper
2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 1/2 tablespoons light brown sugar
2 teaspoons dry mustard powder
2 teaspoons onion powder
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 teaspoon white pepper
Salt, to taste

Mix in a small bowl until evenly combined.

Spicy Aioli

1 egg
1 tsp Dijon mustard
2 cloves garlic
1/2 oz lemon juice
1 cup vegetable oil
1-2 teaspoons spice mix
2 dashes Crystal hot sauce

Following the same pattern as Serious Eats’ Two-Minute Mayonnaise, add the egg, mustard, garlic and lemon juice to the bottom of a tall, narrow container. Pour the oil over top of this, then place an immersion blender at the bottom. Turn it on, and slowly raise it until the ingredients emulsify into a thick mayonnaise. Whisk in 1-2 teaspoons of the Spice Mix and several dashes of the hot sauce.

Spicy Slaw

2 cups green cabbage, shredded
1 cup shredded carrots
1 cup Spicy Aioli
Squeeze lemon juice

Toss all ingredients in a large bowl until well-coated; chill until using.

Procedure!

(This borrows heavily from the original recipe, but really, the technique is key.)

Finely dice the salmon into cubes 1/8” to 1/4” in size; toss in a bowl with one tablespoon of the Spice Mix; at this point the mixture can be covered in plastic and refrigerated for later use.

Shortly before cooking, add 1/2 of the beaten egg1 to the salmon and mix by hand; form a little into a ball to test the cohesiveness of the mixture. It shouldn’t be firm, but it should be shapeable. If it’s not quite there—a little too wet—add just enough bread crumbs to allow the it to hold together, and form into patties. (I got four out of this recipe, but if you want extra-big, do two.)

Dredge the outside of each patty sparingly with bread crumbs, and place on parchment paper, pressing slightly to compress the patty. (I found that using parchment makes for easier transfer to the pan/griddle without falling apart).

Place in refrigerator to rest for 10-15 minutes while preparing other ingredients.

Melt butter on a hot pan or electric griddle, and gently transfer the burgers, peeling away the parchment paper after placing. Cook for approximately 5 minutes each side, or until an instant-read thermometer measures 130F at the center of the patty.

While they are cooking, melt two tablespoons of butter in a separate skillet, and whisk in 1-2 tablespoons of the Spice Mix, until you get a bright-red butter. As soon as the burgers come off the griddle, brush them with this spiced butter.

(You could omit this step if you don’t want them as spicy or want to be a little healthier, but I’ve gotta go all in here.)

Brush the buns with the Spicy Aioli, add the finished burgers, and top with a heaping helping of the Spicy Slaw.

It’s a beautiful burger, and it tasted even better than it looks.

Lessons in Chemistry

I have come to realize that my home bar is really just a grown-up chemistry set. I enjoy making cocktails because I enjoy drinking a nice cocktail, but I also enjoy making cocktails simply because I’m curious what little potions I can make from the bottles on my bar.

Anyway, in the last week I became preoccupied with the concept of making a beet-juice cocktail. Why? I have no idea. Don’t even recall how it landed in my head, but once it did, the only way out was through.

My initial hope was to make a mezcal-based drink, reasoning that the smokiness of that spirit would play well with the earthy sweetness of the beets. I tried multiple iterations, but I simply could not stick the landing on that one. I ended up pivoting to my old friend bourbon, leaning into a modified Whiskey Sour approach that eventually turned out quite well.

Dirt Candy Sour

2 ounces bourbon
1/2 ounce dry curaçao
1/2 ounce fresh lemon juice
1/2 ounce beet juice (or beet juice blend)
1/2 ounce simple syrup

Shake well with ice; pour into a coupe filled with cracked ice.

This was nice—maybe not something I’d make a regular thing, but it satisfied my curiosity. I opted for the coupe-full-of-cracked-ice here to echo a move I’d previously used on the superb You’re A Daisy If You Do, a drink I picked up from Louisville’s North of Bourbon:

If you’re going to make one of these two, make that one.

I’d rack ‘em up they’d knock ‘em down

Today’s music selection comes from Silverada, the Austin, Texas-based Americana/country-rock band previously known as Mike & the Moonpies.

(They announced the name change last year, noting that they felt their original joke name was hindering their progress. I—a grown man who goes by “Action Cookbook”—cannot relate. Still, I enjoy their music and will happily adopt their new name.)

They’ve just dropped a lovely new single, “Texas 42”:

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when publishedHe drank Lone Star Beer from a pull top can
Piss and moan about Uncle Sam
He’d stack his cans and weld em all together
Leather and steel covered up his toes
Tobacco stain on the tip of his nose
A spark in his eye every time he had the hammer

He shake my hand then the dominos
Put his cigarette out and The Possum on
He and I would sing along to Bartender's Blues
And Lord I wonder whose gonna fill his shoes
Shooting the moon in Texas 42

A reminder—I’ve compiled my previous music recs into a massive Spotify playlist I call “ACBN Radio”.

“Daddy, what’s your book about?”

My eight-year-old daughter asked this question the other night as I sat on the couch reading True Failure, a new novel from writer Alex Higley. I appreciated the interest she was showing in my interests, but I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, given that the first description that came to mind was “well, it’s a book full of stupid assholes.”

To be clear, I mean this positively—and when I say “stupid assholes”, I don’t mean that the characters are all misanthropes or especially-unlikeable. It’s more the way I’d call myself a stupid asshole after touching a hot pan with my bare hand.

The book’s narrative centers on Ben, an accountant who’s just been fired. Rather than search for a job, he becomes preoccupied with getting on Big Shot, a Shark Tank-like reality show, despite having no idea what he would pitch on it. He hides this from his wife Tara, who runs a home day-care and makes up stories to tell the parents about what the kids did or said each day. We jump from perspective to perspective in each chapter—a producer who may or may not be trying to get fired, an intern who’s fabricating investigations into a long-forgotten murderer. Everyone in this story is lying to someone, usually themselves, and it makes for a enjoyable, unpredictable and relatably-funny read.

All of my past book recommendations can be found at my Bookshop page!

A moment of appreciation for a movie I liked as a kid that has actually not aged as poorly as I expected

My wife and kids and I have established a weekly tradition of Family Movie Night, but—as I’ve mentioned here before—we often find ourselves running out of movies that we’ll all want to watch together. Often, this means we end up mining the movies of our Elder Millennial youth, a practice that’s had decidedly mixed results, as—if you can believe it!—many of them have not aged especially well for one reason or another.

I recreated this viewing experience in a newsletter last fall:

Anyways, this is all to say that last weekend we ended up watching Cool Runnings (1993)—a movie I loved in 1993 and probably had not seen since since 1995 at the latest—and I was pleasantly surprised by how well it held up.

Admittedly, the depictions of Jamaicans by American actors like Doug E. Doug are a bit cartoonish and stereotypical, but for a 32-year-old movie, that aspect wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Meanwhile, the rest of the plot holds up really well. It’s an engaging, uplifting sports movie that’s quite funny; my kids got deeply invested, and one of them might have teared up at the end.

This concludes my latest review of a movie that came out three decades ago.

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Finally, it’s the ACBN Pets of the Week

First, a delightful moment from my own world.

A small corner of our backyard adjoins another neighborhood, and our dog Olaf has periodically made friends through our fence as people pass by back there. An older gentleman who lives in that neighborhood has occasionally brought his 2-year-old granddaughter by, as she apparently requests to see “Big Dog!” every time she visits. Last night, he had her even-younger cousin by to visit, and he mentioned that one of her first words was “Olaf”. This makes me so happy.

He’s a lovable Disney oaf, just like his namesake.2

Now, on to your pets.

First up, longtime reader Colm A. and frequent guest Gimbal stop by for a visit:

Got a Gimbal for you for next week. His daycare does periodic photo shoots for holidays and they'll text you the photos if you don't want to pay for a print, and they have a box of props (and a pet store next door which is a great setup). I'm sure 4 seconds after this was taken he launched himself several feet into the air to try and get the treat one of the counselors was holding.

Almost every good dog picture I have taken in my long career of taking dog pictures has had a treat just out of frame. That’s just photographer. (Gimbal’s a very good boy.)

Next up, AK has a Big Dog to make Olaf look little, and a little dog to make anyone look big:

This is Kuma. She is 6.5 years old and 120 lbs and every time someone meets her after seeing her online they say "nothing prepares you for how big this dog is". She is perfect and loves the snow. Her favorite food is buttered toast and whatever I am eating for dinner.

She lives with George who is 13 years old and 4 lbs. You think you know what 4 lbs feels like but he feels like less than that. George's favorite foods are green beans and his new canned kidney diet. George and Kuma are such disparate sizes it is difficult to photograph them together but I keep trying.

This is the greatest buddy comedy ever made. I love improbable-size-comparison photos—Aaron Judge next to Jose Altuve, Shaq next to Kevin Hart, Arnold Schwarzenegger between Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant—but this might be the best animal version of the genre I’ve ever seen. Great dogs.

Finally this week, Ellen M. shares the memory of a beautiful friend:

My best girl, Gabby, passed on Monday. She almost made it to 14 years. You have featured her on here before. We had her for 12 1/2 wonderful years; she came from Schnauzer Love Rescue, which is a multi-state organization. Gabby was the most loyal companion, the fiercest protector, the biggest love bug, and the goofiest girl. She never did anything halfway, even when she got sick. We are going to miss her so much.

She was the epitome of the Edith Wharton quote: “my little dog—a heartbeat at my feet.”

A beautiful tribute to a beautiful creature. I know you gave her a wonderful life, and the love on her face is so evident here. Thank you for sharing her with us, and may her memory be a blessing always.

That’s it for this week, my friends.

Thank you for taking The Action Cookbook Newsletter to 800 and beyond. I am grateful for your time, your contributions, and your continued support. I hope you have a lovely weekend, and I’ll see you back here real soon.

—Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)

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