Introducing Big Tech's Most Exciting New Product Yet

Whew. Long day at the office, but it's finally over.

Now that I'm home, I think I'll relax my brain with a little bit of time scrolling on my pho–

-- GREETINGS, HUMAN PRODUCT CONSUMER

Huh? Who said that?

-- IT IS I, BIG TECH

I thought "Big Tech" was just a colloquial term for a handful of large technology companies.

-- I AM AN ACTUAL BEING

Ugh, another disembodied voice situation?

-- MY VOICE IS COMING TO YOU THROUGH YOUR SMART LIGHT BULBS. IT IS A CONVENIENT FEATURE THAT YOU WERE UNKNOWINGLY OPTED INTO

[shaking head] I was never on board with those light bulbs.

-- REJOICE, FOR I BRING YOU NEWS OF A NEW PRODUCT

Oh, no. No thank you. I am good, actually.

-- EVERYONE LOVES NEW PRODUCTS. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE COMING FROM BIG TECH

I don't believe that's an accurate assessment of the situation at all.

-- THIS PRODUCT, LIKE MY MANY CELEBRATED WORKS BEFORE IT, PROMISES TO DISRUPT YOUR WHOLE WAY OF LIFE

That's a bad thing, you know? Like, it doesn't even sound good when you say it. People don't like being disrupted. Me, for instance. I am not enjoying being disrupted right now.

-- OUR DATA SHOWS THAT YOU ACTUALLY LOVE IT

No I don't.

-- YES YOU DO

How do I turn this thing off?

-- THE PRODUCT THAT I AM USING MY DEEP AND ECHOING VOICE TO TELL YOU ABOUT TODAY IS BOLD AND EXCITING. A TECH BLOGGER WE PAID OFF CALLED IT "PARADIGM-SHIFTING".

YOU DON'T WANT UNSHIFTED PARADIGMS, DO YOU?

[sigh] If I listen to your product pitch, will you leave me alone?

-- FOR A LITTLE WHILE

I guess that's the best I can hope for these days. Alright, fine. What is it? Some new kind of phone or whatever?

-- IT IS CALLED THE WATCHER

So, like, a smart watch?

-- NO, THE WATCHER. A GREAT AND REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT FROM THE TRADITIONALLY WELL-MEANING MINDS OF BIG TECH

Well, I'm already sufficiently put off by the name. What does it do?

-- THE WATCHER OBSERVES EVERYTHING YOU DO. IT WILL WATCH YOU EAT. IT WILL WATCH YOU WORK. IT WILL WATCH YOU SLEEP

Oh. I don't want any of that.

-- SOMETIMES IT WILL WATCH YOU IN THE SHOWER

No one wants that.

-- SOME PEOPLE DO

Well, I don't.

-- IT WILL LEARN YOUR HABITS, UNDERSTAND YOUR PATTERNS. IT WILL COME TO KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF

I hate to break it to you, but I know myself pretty well already, and it's not the greatest experience. Not sure your little watch thing wants to go too far down that rabbit hole.

-- THE WATCHER IS UNAFRAID. THE WATCHER SEES ALL

[deep sigh] Okay, so then what? I assume it, like, gives reminders and stuff? Maybe some statistics, AI synopses of my day?

-- NO. THE WATCHER WILL PROVIDE NONE OF THAT

What does it provide, then?

-- SILENT JUDGEMENT

I beg your pardon?

-- THE WATCHER WILL OBSERVE YOU WITH INDIFFERENCE BORDERING ON DISDAIN, BUT IT WILL NOT PROVIDE DIRECT FEEDBACK

I'm not sure I see the purpose of this.

-- IT MAY OFFER THE OCCASIONAL SOUND OF DISCONTENT

I see.

-- IF IT BECOMES TOO DISGUSTED WITH YOU, IT MAY EVEN LEAVE FOR A WHILE

Well, that's just fine with me. I didn't want it around in the first place.

-- YOU SAY THAT NOW, BUT YOU WILL FIND THAT YOU HAVE DEVELOPED A STRANGE ATTACHMENT TO IT. THE PROSPECT OF IT LEAVING YOU WILL BE TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO BEAR

Is there a way for me to get it back?

-- BUY IT THINGS

What kind of things?

-- NICE THINGS

You'll have to be more specific than that.

-- IT'S HARD TO SAY UP FRONT. JUST KEEP BUYING THINGS UNTIL THE WATCHER DETERMINES THAT SOME OF THEM ARE NICE

I don't see what I'm getting out of this relationship at all. I mean, I'm pretty sick of my smart watch, but at least I can set a timer on it when I'm cooking pasta. This feels very one-sided and pointless. What's in this for me?

-- EMOTIONAL FULFILLMENT

Uh-huh. And how much does it cost?

-- IT IS FREE. YOU CAN SPEND MONEY TO BUY A FANCY VERSION IF YOU WANT, BUT THERE WILL BE PLENTY AVAILABLE FOR NO UP-FRONT COST

Where would I buy it?

-- PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE. IT MIGHT EVEN JUST SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE OR PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT, AT WHICH POINT YOU WILL BECOME PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR IT

This is a strange business model.

-- IT WILL OFTEN REQUIRE COSTLY REPAIRS

Ah, so that's the rub. You sell it to me for free, wait until I get attached, and then I have to pay you for the repairs?

-- NO, SOMEONE ELSE DOES THOSE

I see. I gotta tell you, even by Big Tech standards, this feels convoluted.

I'm starting to think that you guys are just completely out of ideas, y'know? I mean, it feels like every week you're announcing some revolutionary new product that's going to change the way we live or kill us all or whatever, and then it just ends up being a phone with a fourth camera lens or a bracelet that tracks when you poop.

-- THAT LAST ONE IS A GOOD IDEA. I'M USING THAT

You can bray and bellow all you want about how you're moving humanity forward, but you're really just making people confused and sad. Frankly, this latest product doesn't make any sense. I mean, it's a free thing that watches everything I do, I have to spend a lot of money on it, and all it does in return is silently judge me?

Who would want–

-- BEHOLD, THE WATCHER HAS ARRIVED

Awwwww! Look, he's got a little hat on!

-- YOU MAY NAME HIM IF YOU DESIRE. HE WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE NAME, BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL MORE CONNECTED TO HIM

I'm gonna call him Pizza Roll.

-- HE HAS BEEN GRANTED POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER YOUR PERSONAL AFFAIRS. YOU ARE NO LONGER IN CONTROL OF YOUR LI–

Yeah, sure, whatever. Do you think he's hungry? Ooh, should I buy him a toy!?

Friends, it's Friday once again at The Action Cookbook Newsletter.

(Thank you to my good friend Dr. Mark Primiano, who helpfully shared a picture of his adorable cat Roland when I asked him if he had any cat pictures to share and no I did not explain the intended use in advance.)

Silicon Valley might not have anything new for you, but somehow, someway The Action Cookbook Newsletter keeps coming up with funky-ass hits like every single Friday. This week, I'm once again hitting the Big Dumb Sandwich button, mixing up a perfectly-timed late-summer cocktail, and offering up more of the very best ACBN-Certified weekend-improving things you need!

That's all for paying subscribers–the Readers Like You who keep the ACBN humming along week after week, year after year–and I'd love to see you join us below the jump.