Your Gameday Food Zodiac

The Super Bowl is this Sunday, and football diehards and casual viewers alike are gearing up for a fun-filled weekend action gridiron action.

Fans of the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots will surely be locked in as their teams vie for a championship, but for most of us, the big game is something more like a secular holiday. We all gather around the biggest screen we can find, make a few friendly wagers, and–of course–load up on good food.

"What should we eat during the game?" isn't just a planning question–it's a question of identity. You might not realize it, but your choice of gameday eats reveals a lot about who you are as a person. Through years of intensive research, mild wiretapping and outright data fabrication, I've been able to develop a zodiac of sorts: a twelve-part assessment of what your football-food preferences tell us about you.

Let's review.

Nachos

You believe that perfection is possible. In this way, you're not unlike the schematic masterminds currently honing their gameplans for the Super Bowl itself. While they're seeking the perfect play, you're seeking the perfect bite. You believe that it's possible to have every sensory experience–salt, fat, acid, heat, crunchy, chewy, creamy, cheesy, hot and cold–and to have them all at once. You have never quite achieved this perfect bite, but you're forever striving toward that moment of greatness.

One day. One day it will happen.

ACBN Recipe Suggestion: My architectually-perfect nachos

Chili

If the person above is a hotshot offensive coordinator, then you're the quiet genius crafting an impenetrable defense. Rather than a messy panoply of distinct and complementary flavors, you're seeking one single perfect flavor–a flavor so deep and rich that it will leave anyone lucky enough to try it awestruck and begging for your secret.

It is coffee? Beer? Cinnamon? A chili pepper you cultivated yourself in a secret basement lab? Peeps? You'll never tell.

ACBN Recipe Suggestions: Smashburger Chili, Heretic's Chili

Wings

You don't view gameday food as sustenance; you view it as competition. The Super Bowl is your Super Bowl, and those without your iron will and steel stomach are stuck watching from the sidelines. All you can eat? That's a dare, and you will get maximum value if it kills you–which, to be clear, it might.

Deep in your soul, you know that you could take on Joey Chestnut, but you don't want to give up your Fourths of July.

ACBN Recipe Suggestion: The sauce on my Gochujang-Honey 'Bear Claw' Chicken Sandwich would really hit on wings, and if you prefer boneless, the Chicken Fingers from AC's Bar and Grill are Kentucky Colonel*-certified

*by me, I'm a Kentucky Colonel

Burgers

You are simple and straightforward. You seem like someone who might have a problematic list of Instagram follows, but in reality they're all just burger joints in cities you've never visited.

You'd like to visit them, though, if only to try out that one burger they posted.

You don't get what all the fuss is about Bad Bunny performing at the Super Bowl; sure, you don't know what he's singing about, but it sounds fun.

You wonder if Bad Bunny likes burgers.

ACBN Recipe Suggestion: Listen, you know what you like, but my Salmon Burgers are a good back-up if the doctor gets on your case about all the red meat

BBQ

Food is not a hobby for you; it is a scientific pursuit. You started preparing Thanksgiving dinner on Halloween. You cooked a 15-pound brisket for your niece's first birthday party. Every gift you have received in the past decade is a thermometer, and you use all of them. You refuse to eat barbecue at restaurants because you know you can do it better and you're not about to pretend otherwise.

ACBN Recipe Suggestions: Magic Dust, but also Verb's Coca-Cola-and-Chipotle-Braised Beef

Pizza

You are obsessed with the act of creation. Sure, you could just order a pizza, but where's the sport in that? Besides, they're going to be slammed today. You're not going to wait 90 minutes for Domino's to deliver when you could spend three days fermenting dough and prepping your toppings.

You're thinking about building a brick oven in the backyard, but you don't know the right time to bring it up to your family.

ACBN Recipe Suggestion: be a hero to your kids and put French Fries and hot dogs on a pizza, my kid still talks about this

A Big Pot of Something

You hate the cold weather this time of year, but you respect it as an adversary; you need it as a foil. There's no wind or snow or wintry mix that you can't ward off with the help of your trusty Dutch oven; like some witch or warlock, you're making potions to cast spells.

You have driven an hour to buy a specific kind of sausage before, and your pantry is full of ingredients that you procured for a single recipe.

ACBN Recipe Suggestions: Gumbo, Étouffée, C'est Pot and Ployes

Sweets

You like to project a casual air–hey, everyone, I brought dessert!–but that belies your precise, calculating, ruthlessly-methodical personality. You have a high-end digital scale, and you know the actual temperature of every corner of your oven. You know the specific protein content of every brand of flour at the store and several that aren't. You don't watch football, but you're organized enough to step in tomorrow and coach a team to 3rd place in the AFC North.

(Granted, the Cleveland Browns are in that division, but it's still impressive.)

ACBN Recipe Suggestion: Salted Bourbon Brown Butter Derby Bars

A Big Dumb Sandwich

You are excitable; this is your best quality and also your worst. You can't help but make a big deal of everything. You dream about being one of those people with an over-the-top Halloween yard display. You have a spreadsheet where you log sandwiches, and you hope no ever finds out about it.

You'd like to have a sandwich named after you someday.

Perhaps THE iconic ACBN Recipe: The Kentuckiana Hot Loin

Dip

Let the others worry about their briskets or chilis or wings; you're keeping it low-key. You're just bringing dip.

Mind you, you've spent years perfecting this dip, and you believe in your heart of hearts that you could make a business out of it. You've just got to get an in with the buyers at Kroger.

ACBN Recipe Suggestions: Kentucky Beer Cheese, Calabrian Chili Pimento Cheese, and hey what the heck my Camden-Style Crab Fries are kinda like a dip

Salad

You are going to ask who's playing the Super Bowl several minutes after kickoff. You think that the ads are the best part of the game, even though that hasn't been true for at least a decade. You will go to bed in the third quarter, because you've got to get up early on Monday for your run. You are the most mentally-healthy person on this list and the other eleven people hate you for it.

ACBN Recipe Suggestion: Smashed-Potato Salade Niçoise

Something Wacky

Your family is exhausted with you, but they've also made a sort of peace with it. Is that Stockholm Syndrome? Perhaps. Hey, that would be a good name for a dish. Maybe it's a Swedish meatball pizza? I'm gonna add that to the notepad. Ooh, I could make a lingonberry cocktail to go with it...

You have run a moderately-successful email-based newsletter for seven years as cover for your antics, but everyone knows you'd be doing all of this even without it.

ACBN Recipe Suggestions: Loaded Bacon Cheeseburger Picnic Pie, Cincinnati Chili Arancini, Walking Chowder, Berbere-Spiced Runzas

If you take exception to any of the characterizations above, I think it's important that I remind you: I am all of these people.

Heck, I've already shown my work.

–Scott Hines (@actioncookbook)